The science of travel math

I recently got back from a solo vacation in New York City and work trip in Washington, D.C. The travel math was mathing from the jump. Here are some scientific mathematical fantastical truths about traveling:

You will never hate your wardrobe more than when you’re packing.

On a typical day, I like my clothes. There are a lot of teals and goldenrods and burnt oranges; my pants are comfy; my going-out tops have a lot of sequins. But when I’m going out of town? My closet is full of gar-BAGE. I’m making a first impression on every person I meet, and they’re going to see me in my leopard-print top and bootcut Old Navy jeans? As the youths say, CRINGE (do they say this, please report back). Granted, I don’t go out and buy new clothes for a trip; I load up all of my loathed outfits, get to my destination and stop caring because I’m having a good time.

Number of days of trip x 1.5 = the amount of underwear you should bring

There’s something about being caught away from home and perceiving the potential for an underwear shortage that makes you want to double down and bring 75 percent of the contents of your underwear drawer. For this seven-day trip, I was conservative and rounded down to only 10 pairs of undies, excluding the emergency pair I keep in my carry-on backpack.

TSA Precheck = lateness x smugness

The worst thing they could’ve done was given me Precheck. You mean to tell me that for $80, I can get to the airport an hour before my flight, ease on by the line that goes past the first lil gift shop, buy some snacks and trashy mags AND stll get to the plane on time? I will never be over this.

Ginger ale > every other beverage on a plane

Canada Dry > all other ginger ale brands (no, I will not be taking questions)

Canada Dry reaches its peak crispness at cruising altitude. When you eat two Biscoff cookies with your ginger ale, you unlock the drink’s divine healing powers. Thirsty? Airsick? Homesick? Ginger ale, baybeee. Remember that on the ground, ginger ale’s medicinal properties are activated when accompanied by a sleeve of saltines on a sick day (this is Black math).

Shortest period of time on a trip = when the flight attendant is coming down the aisle to collect garbage and you still have half a cup of ginger ale

I refuse to dump liquids into that preciously thin trash bag the flight attendants use to collect trash. These folks have to deal with so much already. Do you think I'm going to add to their figurative and literal load with wet garbage? Absolutely not. I was raised right.

Days of vacation x 4 = the number of towels you’ll use at the hotel

A lot of hotels I’ve stayed in have added little signs in the bathroom saying that they will only replace the towels you throw on the floor like a 19th century British lord. Awesome — one for Mother Earth! But in both the hotels I stayed on during my trip, they kept replacing the used towels I’d hung up. Do they want me to clean out their linen closet? Because I will, if provoked. I never need a towel more than when I’m in a hotel. My hands need a towel. So does my face. And a wash rag for the body. And a towel for the body. Thank god I don’t wash my hair every day or it would be a water shortage in the region of my stay.

Hotel TV > TV at home

Law and Order: SVU > a movie that’s at least 15 years old that that you’ve seen before and really liked > Food Network/HGTV > anything else on hotel TV

There’s nothing like being away from home to make you appreciate how fun cable used to be. The excitement of only having a vague idea of what was on TV at any given moment. Not having to sift through five streaming services’ worth of original programming and old favorites. Gladly taking in what the networks want us to watch. AN EMOTIONAL THRILL RIDE.

And there’s something about catching an SVU marathon on USA or TNT that really elevates a vacation. I love that Mariska Hargitay’s haircuts and Ice-T’s acting ability provide an instant marker as to what season I’m about to dive into. Is it copaganda? Yes. Am I gonna enjoy the hell out of it? Also yes.

Hotel bed < your bed at home

I have always loved traveling. I enjoy seeing how people in a different part of the country (or world) live. Regional food? GIVE ME ALL OF IT. But there’s something about coming home and getting that first night of sleep in your own bed that’s just chef’s kiss perfect.

You have some examples of travel math? Send them my way at [email protected], and I’ll share them in the next newsletter.